Monday, November 19, 2012


Tonight there have been few things on my mind.  I started out the evening editing the photos I took of my neighbours Saturday, and ended up blog reading.  I ventured onto blogs that aren't in my "daily reads" list and ended up reading 4 birth stories.  They were empowering, inspiring, and uplifting.  They make me yearn for another babe, and reflect on the birth of my dear dear Samuel.

I've talked, thought, and read a lot about birth.  I'd even go so far as to say I'm passionate about it.  It truly is such a beautiful thing.  I was blessed to have my sweet husband by my side, and one of my dearest friends also there to take care of Shane and I.  At the time I thought I was in labour forever. I look back after reading some other accounts, and my body was in pre labour for a long while before anything really started happening.
I look back and having no experience in labouring, I figured that since my water broke, and contractions had started, that meant a baby was going to be in my arms soon.  My thoughts tonight go back to 5 in the morning the day Samuel was born.  I had been up for 28 hours with nothing, not even water that would stay in my body.  I was exhausted, had been rimmed, was in excruciating pain, and shaking uncontrollably.  I laid on my bed with Shane next to me and wanted to die.  I admitted it outloud, I was most miserable at that point.  When I was checked at 6 and informed I was a 7, I gave in to myself and said I couldn't do it anymore, that I needed an epidural.
I apologized up and down, I felt I had let Jenny and my midwives down.  After discussing my birth with Jenny in the weeks and months that followed, she helped me to understand that I had hit transition when I sent myself to the hospital.  I personally now believe I drug out my labour probably 8 hours longer than it needed to be because I "needed" to sleep.  In retrospect it probably would have been an hour later that I would have been pushing my sweet son out.
I am not writing this necessarily with the feeling of regret (although at this moment there is a little bit).  I was inexperienced, and everything I had learned in my prenatal class about labouring went out the window with the first contraction.  I look forward to giving birth again, this time in my own home, this time knowing what is happening, this time completely trusting my body.  I will prepare differently and be ready, armed with confidence.
Transition, you will be welcomed with open arms next time :)
BELIEVE in yourself, you are amazing and much stronger than you give yourself credit.


Patience said...

you know, modern medicine is a god send sometimes and i don't think we need to apologize for using it. a hundred years ago the mortality rate of labouring mothers was much higher than it is today.

AKutarna said...

I agree with Patience! Sometimes, no matter how bad be want it, our bodies need a break. I didn't have an epidural with either of my children, the first one by choice and the second one, not by choice. ( The labour was too fast). Yes, the body is amazing, and yes, women have been doing it for years, but if we do need to use it, then there is nothing to be ashamed about.

Kailey said...

I think you can and will have the birth that you want. :) I believe in you.